Failure – the worst word in my world. I have felt like I have failed a lot in my life. What is it about failure that makes us a different person? Why do we have to go to failure to begin with. Why can’t my life be that path I thought it was suppose to be just 5 years ago.. So much has changed in my life… some things I had control in it and others I did not.
I have failed a lot in my life. My parents had the dream of me going to college. My parents went out their way to apply me to a good university. I went.. I failed.. one regret in my life. I look back now and I see what their hearts desired. I never finished my college degree. But, I know my parents are still proud of me no matter what. Isn’t that what matters the most in life – having your parents just say .. good girl — we are proud of what you became. I have wonderful parents and I am so lucky.
I failed in my marriage. There are multiple reasons my marriage didn’t work. A lot of it is just the plain disease of bipolar I have. 90% of our marriage – up to the end – we couldn’t pin point the urges of my mood swings. The violent ugliness I held. It wasn’t aimed at anyone. My insides felt like they were in a constant knot. I was unhappy – sick – and just looking for a way to vent out the darkness in me. I can sit and say a ton of things I did to put the knife in my marriage. Honestly, it was my fault.. I had a wonderful husband. A beautiful family consisting of the two most beautiful children. I hallowed out and hide from reality. The moment we realized it was the time to part ways – I was scared to death. It would be the first time I would be on my own. I had to pay everything myself ( even though my x did help a lot at first) .
Over a year has past – and I am a totally different person. However, I still have the pang of failure inside me that is hallowing out my insides. I do not have my kids full time. I see them as much as I can. A piece of me feels like I am not a real mommy. I am not there when they get boo boo’s. When they are sick. I don’t get to hear them laugh or hear my sons corny jokes. Have my daughter just reach over and hold her hand when we are watching tv. This absolutely kills me.
The last few weeks have been the worse. I know why – but I don’t want to go into details WHY… maybe another time. I don’t want to not be mommy. I want my kids to love me forever. I want them to know how much I love them. How I bawl every time they leave – laying in their bed – being surround with the countless dolls my daughter has collected over time. I find myself questioning what kind of parent am I.
BUT – after a few hours of this pain… it does finally disappear into the dark part of my heart that won’t be brought up for another time when they leave.
I do have a rock in my life. I find myself texting or calling my wonderful boyfriend. He is the one that I count on to be the one to pull myself out that feeling of failure. It doesn’t matter if it is in the middle of the night or middle of the day. He is there to fill me with words that shows the bright side of my life.
I have so much to be thankful for. He reminds me how much he loves me – how he wants to be part of his life forever. How his son can’t wait for me to be part of his life everyday. How they need me to stay strong for a little bit longer. A few more months until I have the life I want and need comes into existence.
It is an emotional rollar coaster right now. I know it might be hormones – might be just a tinge of depression. Hell, it might be just my birthday coming up – and turning 34 – I thought my life would be different.
I have to KEEP reminding myself.. I am where I suppose to be right now.. and until the day I have a complete family again – I will have hard times.. and these dark moments will make my life even BRIGHTER in the long run.
Failure is a part of life – we all fail – but it is the outcome that matters the most.. I am walking in quick sand right now – but I have that hand reaching out to save me.. always..
From my baby – Our Love Story