Let’s do a flashback from a year ago. I have to see the path God has brought me through. Remind myself how far I have been through.. and look forward to see how short it is till the end.
Last year this time, I got mixed up with someone I know now that was just a band aid for my newly divorce. I latched onto something I know I shouldn’t of. Everyone around me was screaming for me to not do it. But I didn’t listen. I went ahead and one day – I knew I had to make my first step to leave the job I loved. I had a deep feeling inside me that this was something I needed to do. To prove to myself I can be a big grown up and do everything myself to find a full time job.
Now, I had left my apartment and moved in with my best friend and her family. Her cousin leaved there and we were seeing each other. I now know I didn’t have my head on straight if not even plugged in.
You know those loop-t-loops on rollar coasters. I was at the part when the coaster was just about to go into the loop. My life was thrown every direction. I literally could not find my standings on life.. where I was headed. If it was on the darkest moments in my life – and I have had A LOT of start overs in my life. I have had chance after chance from God and my family. They never had given up on me. I know my family wants me to only be happy as much as God wants to see my heart overfilled with joy and love. I had this illusion that I had that. Boy, was I wrong. I call it my after divorce crisis .. something to hide the pain of losing everything I had in my life and try to attach myself to something familiar. Being in a relationship built on illusions vanish like wind hits fog. It just disappears and what is left is the distruction of seeing the truth for once.
My life now is on the top of the loop-t-loop on the coaster. I got settled in my new apartment.. I was not ready for the drop down because it would make my stomach turn. I was scared and most of all had the fear of falling out the coaster- I did not want to fail again. I needed to prove to myself I can be a single woman and support myself.
A couple of days after Valentine’s., I decided to hop on a dating website to see what was out there. I was on it for 4 hours and I got hit up tons of times with guys that started emails like we were passing notes during class. I just blew them off. I was about to give up and I got an email ..saying someone wanted to be my friend. For some strange reason – I opened it.. and saw a message from TxBoy.. oh boy.. So, I linked to his page and first thing I saw was an adorable picture of him and his son. Now, Clifford has a lot of names.. you can call him Scott, Scotty, Clifford, Clif or CAS. I was so confused at first.
But anyway – back to the point – by chance I messaged him and we just exchanged message than moved to text than to the phone.. which is now like meeting someone in person. Hearing someone’s voice or personality can be the hit or miss.
Well – it was a hit – we talked for hours.. than once we past that stage – we decided to have our first day – but that is for another blog –
The point of this blog is looking back and see life gives you the loops you know are ahead. Right now I am headed straight down that loop. I am excited, scared, and have tears just streaming down my face. It is exciting, scarey but you are just sad because you want to get out of the loop and finish the ride.
That is what my life feels like now. God gives this loops that are HUGE.. we look for ways out.. where are the loop holes you always here about. Where are the short cuts???? My heart is in my stomach right now.. my knees are weak.. and my brain is cloudy at times. I don’t want to be off this ride – no- I want to get off the loop to where the track is straight.. and it would slowly come to the stop.. and we both can get off hand in hand and head home together forever.