Time is on my side.. sortof..

Life is full of paths. We all have to take them. Some of them we don’t like and just want to give up. I believe God wants us to go through different areas in our life to make us a different person so we can enjoy life to the fullest. I know I have blessings daily. I wake up – I have a job to go to – I have my own apartment – I have the ability to buy my own food and pay my own bills – I have two great kids – I have the ability to not give up faith.

Time goes fast – but at times it stands still and you feel yourself going backwards. There are moments when you see the light at the end of the dark tunnel. I have to say this is one of those trying times in my life. I am having to depend on myself for everything. I have to carry myself through times when I don’t feel like it. I find strenght in myself. I have to remember that I am a different woman because of what I had gone through and what I am going through now. I have to remember I am not alone during this time in my life. It is so hard to leave the people you love and who you want to spend time with. To let go of my kids again for another two weeks. I do feel empty. But I do keep looking forward to the future and what it holds for me.

I know when I finally get there, it will be all worth the pain and emptiness I feel now. I cherish my life. God has giving me so many gifts. I have to push the negative away and use those gifts to better myself. Everyday I learn how much I can stand. How much life can throw at me yet, I still keep going. Waking up – going to a job I really don’t enjoy but I put all my heart into. I know one day it will pay off. I have to learn to be patient and not jump God’s plan for me.

As I sit here on this evening, I just left my kids with thier dad – I left two great people who adore me at thier home to come home again to be by myself. I walk in the apartment and I am greeted by a squeaking guina pig that is wondering where  her food is. ( I leave tons of it for her – I can’t help she is a PIG!) I lay in bed and look at my kids pictures thinking of the wonderful time we did share. I sit and think of the man who just looks at me and I see the love radiant from his eyes. I am overwhelmed with the conflict of emotions.

I can’t question God why. I know why. Sometimes it is hard to accept the fact He is doing this for a purpose. We want to be in control of our lives and sometimes fast forward to a time. I have to throw my hands in the air and say Okay God – I am here.. I am here for you.. use me for your Purpose. Make me a stronger woman – make me see you have this wonderful plan. I don’t want to miss moments NOW  because I am in too of a hurry to get to THAN. I think that is my biggest struggle at this time. I am not going to give up. I am going to follow through what I set up to do in Februray. I want to look back and say Hey, I did this.. and I am glad I did. Because I will cherish my life even more than..

If I didn’t have the comfort of knowing I am not alone .. spiritual and humanly… I probaly would go crazy. I am scared to see what I would be like. I am a gear learning how to grind together with what I have now.

I just thank God for everything I have now.

Also – I have amazing support every Sunday when I have to rip myself away from a life I want so bad. Scott is use the the tears and know they are coming .. if I didn’t have him to remind me how proud he is of me – how we are suppose to be going through this now – how I am an amazing woman.. I have to say – heck NO.. I am not alone..

It is just another  week – I know I will have struggles .. it is a fact. Life is not easy. Life is not handed to you on a silver plate. You have to take the tarish away during the times you don’t feel so shiny.

One day I know I will have the life I always dreamed of. I have to look at it this way – every weekend or time I spend with my kids and the man I love.. it is a window .. a preview of the LIGHT I am deserved.


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