At times – I feel like I am going no where. I am going in circles. Things are eaten me up – and I will end up hallow. Life is so hard at times – I don’t know how I will make it. I should be filled with love, joy and know I am not alone. At times – it is my fault. I bring myself down. I think the worse. I lose the touch of my faith. I don’t like knowing where I am go. I want answers. I want to tell the future. I know this is the impossible. How do I teach myself to let go – to let go of the pain. I am tired of searching for answers. This song is how I feel. I need to let go of the worldly things that bring me down.
I know that I have a dark part of me. I suffer from depression and bipolar. Sometimes I question God why He gave this. Why does this take my joy away. People tell me to just be happy. But I feel like I am in a sandpit. I have had blessings come upon me. I am grateful for God’s work in my life. I just want to know what He has planned for me. If anyone that should know better – it would be ME. But why do I question myself to the point where all I want to do is cry.
I know this shall pass. I know I will be okay. It is the travel to that point that kills a little part of my soul. I have my good days.. unfortunately I have more bad. I wish I would just let it go. Let go of this emptyness. This feeling of failure. I carry so much on myself and it is self destructive.
I need Jesus to hold me – to take care of me. I need to submit to only Him. He will bring me through this. I want Him to heal my broken heart and broken faith in myself. I want to let go of this broken faith I carry. I want to be lifted up. I want to be happy again. It has been so long since I felt completely happiness. I do take a glance of what I have – and I am lucky. But the fear of me destroying everything I have is haunting me. I tell myself – I failed in so much in my life – my college – my marriage – and past relationships. I know satan knows my weaknessess. And he does a good job bring me down to where I feel worthless. Damn him and his tricks. He needs to leave me alone. I need to get out of this rut I put myself in.. again. Satan will use lies and tricks to where I wake up and I feel I don’t want to go on with the day. Little things do keep me going.
It is a long passage of teaching myself of the love God has for me. I know no one can understand how much God loves and how much grace He has. I can do the worse – think the worse – and He’s love is never failing. I don’t want to give up – I grasp for Jesus’s rode like the woman in the market. Just to touch His robe and stop the pain. But at times I feel like that touch is unreachable. How can I do it?
25 And a certain woman, which had an issue of blood twelve years, 26 And had suffered many things of many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was nothing bettered, but rather grew worse, 27 When she had heard of Jesus, came in the press behind, and touched his garment. 28 For she said, If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole. 29 And straightway the fountain of her blood was dried up; and she felt in her body that she was healed of that plague.
The answer is this for my question:
30 And Jesus, immediately knowing in himself that virtue had gone out of him, turned him about in the press, and said, Who touched my clothes? 31 And his disciples said unto him, Thou seest the multitude thronging thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me? 32 And he looked round about to see her that had done this thing. 33 But the woman fearing and trembling, knowing what was done in her, came and fell down before him, and told him all the truth. 34 And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague.
The simple answer FAITH. Faith in Jesus will make me whole. I can’t let the devil take that away.
I have to continue to pray. God has given me obstacles. I need to over come them. It won’t happen over night. He is in control. I know He is the one person in my life that will never give up on me. I have to keep remembering that unconditional love.. I need to learn to love myself. Because I can’t give someone or anyone complete love if I hold on to the fact that I am not loved by Jesus…
PRAYER FOR STRENGTH
In this time of need, strengthen me. You are my strength and my shield; You are my refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. I know, Father, that Your eyes go to and fro throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts long for You. The body grows weary, but my hope is in You to renew my strength.
I do not fear, for You are with me.
I am not dismayed or overwhelmed, for You are my God. I know You will strengthen me and help me; that You will uphold me with Your righteous hand. Even as the shadows of illness cover me, I feel the comfort of Your strength, Or Lord.